Big Feelings
“I’m here to stay with your big feelings. I’m not afraid of your big feelings.”
As I was watching Ms Rachel’s episode of emotions for babies, and I came a cross this beautiful song. A part of me reacted to the msg, feeling vulnerable that she was creating space for her consumers, a space where there is no judgement for having ‘big’ emotions. That part of me was my inner-child. Though I was lucky enough to not be told outright to not be annoying or loud, the underlying expectation was always there to behave in an appropriate way in social situations, to hold in expression of bigger emotions..
I eventually found out the repercussions of withholding my emotions, and repressing my emotions. If triggered enough I would withdraw into myself and used to take me hours and sometimes days to speak of what I needed. Oftentimes I would need external stimuli to ease me to come out of my shell like music, or comfort shows.
Interestingly, it was marriage that provided me with the safety to revise my patterns of withdrawing, and come out to a safe and open place to share my emotions, with less and less resistance around communicating what I was feeling and what I needed.
As I finished listening to the song, I realised how many of us didn’t get that opportunity to express our needs as children, and how many of were silenced to comply, and please. Which led me to write this blog, in hopes that someone may find this reflection useful!
Having the Space and Permission to Express Your Emotions
You may find it hard to express your “negative” emotions because you were never able to share them before, they were always “too loud” or “too much” or “too annoying” for your carers.
As an adult, the result of feeling like your emotions are burdens on others may cause you to go in to rationalising; solution focus mood without addressing the actual emotions or giving them space (in other words- shoving them down) or just a freeze state unable to work through the emotions or be functional.
This can also come out in an outburst/ meltdown once it all becomes too much.
If you were always more loud or reactive, having your emotions denied can also result in you feeling more angry and like no one can ever understand you. Creating more distance around your authentic self in fear of being denied once again. You may develop masks to help you cope in social situations but still not truly enjoy social gatherings or feel connected to anyone in a meaningfully way.
Masks can be made from fear of being misunderstood or from fear of causing others discomfort.
What you can you do now to work on this, is to start creating awareness around your experience. Log or recount and analyse how you are feeling. Writing is the best way to start privately start a reflective journey.
Writing in a journal provides a literal space for your feelings to be placed. When you have a space like a journal where you start to create the language of emotion, values and needs, you can then practice that language on the go with your thinking even when you are slightly triggered.
If writing is not for you, you can use other forms of logging like having a mood tracker for your main events.
Once you have some awareness that certain people or events cause you to feel more disconnected from people or yourself, you can think about your choices.
Choices are what takes more emotional investment and effort. Because there’s always ‘what ifs’ around the corner that pop up, but your choices guided by your values will have better outcomes than if you don’t address your values at all.
You can also seek professional help, having a safe space for you to explore and share your experiences with a professional can bring awareness and gain insight around your daily habits and create actionable steps to get to a goal or address an older event that keeps coming up for you.
The more you reflect on an event, a memory, the more your brain processes it in its own way. Sharing your story is processing, think about it is processing, crying about it is processing. The more you process, the more insights you will reap. Just like rereading a story, you will pick up naturally on different points of your story, and you will question other parts. This is a natural thing and something that takes time and emotional capacity.
Set time aside to help you reflect and start your journey. For us a grow we often need to evaluate who we have been so far, and then move onto who we can become.
Make Space. Make Time.
Make Space. Make Time.
Seeing a professional, in a space and time that is reserved just for you, is healing for a lot of us that do not get the time or recognition in our day to day. It provides a space to discuss and question outlaid and admit the things we do and do not know. There is value in both recognising what we do understand and what we are still trying to understand and can’t yet make sense of. Having a set of ears and ear on us as we process also allows us to receive feedback as we share our most vulnerable experiences. Validating those emotions, often from a time where we did not have much control.
If you find yourself struggling or just wanting to process something that’s happened to you, reach out, as currently I am doing a free intake offer for August 2024!
You can also get up to 10 free sessions with a psychologist with a mental health care plan from your GP. Ensure the psychologist is a good fit for you and your lifestyle.
